Set the scene.

You know you have been there… your boss calls you in to their office because they “have to talk about something” – You know it can’t be good, or can it? Every thought under the sun comes to mind. Am I getting fired? What did I do? Who said it? Am I getting a surprise promotion that I feel I have earned yet really haven’t mentioned to anyone but they just read my mind and are giving it to me anyway? You already have a plan and rebuttal for every possible scenario or topic of conversation. It happens to everyone.

I have been there. The hardest feedback I have ever received in my career to date set me up for the greatest success and put my career on track. But I had to be resilient in overcoming the obstacles I faced by listening, receiving, and accepting that feedback and finally, acting upon it to shift the paradigm.

The art of feedback.

I was 10 months in to my professional career. We had been dealing with a lot of organizational change. We had two peers leave within the months preceding this event (both of whom I got along with very well and trained me) and my boss had just been laid-off. I struggled with interpersonal relationships at work for many reasons, but I realize I was a barrier to my own success and I own that. I knew it and was aware of it, but didn’t really know how to deal with it. I was (am) the stereotypical Millennial that wants to know “why!” – At the time, I would often find myself asking why I would have to do something when the person asking could have done it themselves by the time they were done asking me to do it. And it became a barrier to my growth. It also became a barrier in my ability to build positive relationships at work. (It was more than just that one example stunting my positive performance…but that is one of the key points.)

Well, a couple months after my new boss came on board, he scheduled “that touch base.” The one that just *pops* right up on your calendar with no warning as to why. I knew something wasn’t right. I considered myself pretty self-aware, and I knew the status of my relationships at work… it was really just a matter of time before someone verbalized them. And I didn’t yet have the courage or communication savvy to “self-incriminate” without the fear of being fired. I could not declare the breakdown.

He was nervous; I could tell. He had written a list of things on a piece of paper to share with me. I could see his wheels turning because he didn’t want me to be upset but knew he had to get the point across in a sincere and serious manner. He was direct. And more than anything, he was compassionate.

He opened our time together by saying, “Doug, I have some collective feedback to share with you, and it’s not easy for me to say.” *gulp* “…and I want you to know first off, you are not getting any written documentation or being fired…we are not even close to that point yet…” – He truly just wanted to give me feedback and he set the tone of the meeting for me to be open-minded and not defensive by relieving any stress or pressure I was feeling. *sigh of relief*

He asked me to just listen, and then respond when he was done reading. He went down the list of perceptions from my teammates…

• Doug is not a team player
• Doug pushes back inappropriately
• Doug only does what he wants to do and doesn’t help in other areas
• Doug is disruptive
• Doug only cares about himself
• …the list went on for a dozen bullet points. (I actually have the list somewhere as a reminder to how I never want to be perceived again.)

When I become upset, my ears turn red. I can have a perfectly still demeanor but one would know I am upset by the color of my ears. Well, my ears were probably on fire while sitting and listening to the feedback from my peers and boss. But he treated me with so much respect and the situation so delicately, there was no room for me to be defensive.

I could have rebutted every. single. bullet. point. I easily could have placed blame on others. And frankly, a lot of people who provided those perceptions of me were also a main part of the collective problem. But at the end of the day, this conversation was about me and my future success in my role, and ultimately my career. (To vent later, I actually did rebut every single bullet point in an email. I sent it to me and it was the BEST anxiety relief…try it! Just don’t send it to someone else by accident.) My boss and I worked out our game plan for how I would begin to change the perceptions and begin to create my new reality at work. And I owned every part of it. He didn’t get involved from there except to follow up a few weeks later. He let me sit every one of my peers down in a one-on-one and ask them direct questions. It was brutal taking that feedback. I had 6 peers… and I asked them all to be completely transparent with me… for goodness sake, if I had the courage to ask for the feedback to my face, the least they could do is tell me pointedly how they felt and what they experienced with me as their coworker. And every one of them did with grace and kindness. No one was rude and everyone was open to mending our relationships. (You know when you look back over the history of your life and have life altering moments? This entire experience was absolutely one of those for me.) I love, value, and appreciate feedback. Even more so, I appreciate people who have the courage and strength to provide the feedback, and those who have good listening ears and act upon it.

The art of resiliency.

I love sharing my story on feedback with others struggling in their roles, regardless of their age or where they are at in their career. I overcame many obstacles during that time and am proud of the success I achieved as a result. And I have to give credit to two people…my former boss for having the courage to talk to me. Finally, I have to give myself some credit! Once a leader shares the information, it then becomes the responsibility of the recipient to own it and act upon it. It’s like the 12-steps of recovery to being a better me. Seriously! I was angry and in denial, and then upset, and then remorseful. Then I was happy and strong-willed. I knew I could overcome the barriers I had created for myself. I became resilient. I was able to truly listen, process the feedback, make sense of it for me, and then bounce back from those hardships. Anyone can do it… you just have to be in the right mind set. Allow yourself to go through “those 12 steps.” Feel what you need to feel and deal with it each step of the way. It’s ok to be upset and angry and remorseful. But eventually, you need to get to a place with a clear mind to move forward. That’s when you become resilient. What an awesome word… to be “resilient.” Just think about it. Be proud of yourself!

That example was 10 months in to my job at my former company. I was there for four years and left on the best of terms with 99.5% of those with whom I worked (recognizing you don’t have to get along with everyone…the other .05% is left in that category). I was recognized for my leadership, outstanding performance, and for our organizational principles…nominated and voted on by my entire body of peers and leaders by the way – an 80+ person HR department. That was an honor!

The late Maya Angelou once said, “I can be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it.” – This perfectly illustrates the art of resiliency. I was changed for the better but refused to allow this hurdle to limit my ability to succeed.

 

Your take-away.

The best feedback one could receive (in my opinion) is learning they have left a lasting positive legacy when they are no longer there… What are people saying when you leave the room? This is a question I ask in every single interview I do in my current role. I want to know how people perceive themselves based on how they lead and treat others. My personal example of feedback and resiliency allowed me take the next step in creating my legacy as an HR leader. I probably would have left my former company long before my four year anniversary, either by choice, or not…but the feedback I received, how it was delivered, and my ability to act upon it reprogrammed my mindset and career. Literally.

Perception is their reality. But it’s still reality. Employees have to own that and mend it if negatively impacting their ability to be successful.

Feedback strengthens one’s ability to move forward. That may be the most difficult conversation of your career as a leader but if you are open-minded and have the best intentions to see your employees be successful, the rewards will heavily outweigh the stress and hair loss you incur. Conversely, that may be the BEST conversation you have ever had in your life. We have to remember that feedback covers the full spectrum of good and bad, opportunity and success. And it should be given in unequal doses…yes unequal. Give more good than bad! My example just happens to illustrate how opportunity feedback changed the course of my career for the better. It is an amazing gift when warranted and welcomed. (Please don’t read this and “word vomit” all over your friends and co-workers…). One does need to be in the mindset to receive the feedback and you also need to be in the mindset to provide it.

Talk about resiliency with people. Share stories. Support each other. It’s not all *warm and fuzzies* but an actual learned skill and quality to recognize when it’s needed. Hone in on your own ability to cope and manage hardships, and help your people in building their own coping skills.

I can’t say it enough…I LOVE FEEDBACK! Yes, I am a millennial. I thrive from it. I can be a better worker, employee, person, friend, partner, and student as a result of it. It may take me time to process it, but I will own it. Try it for yourself. Ask someone you normally wouldn’t talk to but work with or around, for feedback. It doesn’t have to be a boss. It can be a peer, or friend. Then allow yourself to feel whatever feeling comes your way. Recognize it and be self-aware. Then allow your emotions to get to a place where you are clear minded and finally, act upon that feedback. Again, whether good or bad. Acting upon it could be a simple “thank you” to the person who gave you the feedback. “The 12 steps” just happened to occur in a millisecond during the moment the feedback was being provided. It’s an amazing thing! Be more self-aware and try it!